There’s always something. February 3, 2006
Lately the Gang of Mothers that I see regularly — consisting of neighbours and Plunket-group peers — have been discussing the impact of a younger sibling on the older child. Almost everyone in our circle has two kids now: one around Ethan’s age and one roughly Amy’s age. We’re all in the same boat. But two of us have sons the same age who have some interesting behaviours when they’re out in public. We discussed the possibility today that it’s not just the age they’re at but that the behaviour is a result of playing second fiddle to a younger sibling.
I like to think that Ethan still gets as much attention as he did before Amy was born, and I know S would like to think that about her son, too. But at Ethan’s birthday party it was noted by at least two mothers who hadn’t met S or her son before that S spent almost all of her time with her daughter and left her son to entertain himself. Today at R’s place the subject came up again, with R saying the same thing: S was devoting more time to her daughter than to her son.
As I mentioned, S’s son has very similar behaviour to Ethan when socialising: easily upset, things get blown out of proportion, they take adult interference badly even when they’re knowingly breaking the rules. S’s son, when it came time to leave another party we all attended, threw his piece of birthday cake across the room, twice. Ethan isn’t quite as intense as he is, but the basic behaviour is the same. Ethan will cry, S’s son will scream. So the question is: am I favouring Amy over Ethan? I don’t think so, but I have a hard time believing that he’s just tired, or it’s just the terrible twos, or he’s just hungry.
R had a great idea to promote cooperation around the house: a magnetised reversible happy/sad face to stick to the fridge (or to somewhere central in the house). Provided the child does their set jobs around the house — picking up their toys when they’re done, putting their shoes away, helping set the table or change the baby — the face is happy. But if the child refuses to help, the face is sad and the child gets no help from their parents until they have done their chore and the face is turned to happy again. Of course that would work even without the face, but it’s a handy reminder over an extended period for a kid with a short memory. The idea is that one hand washes the other: Mum won’t help you if you don’t help Mum first: “I can’t get you a glass of water when you haven’t put your shoes away.”
