Okay, not really for pet owners. Pets don’t talk back as such.
Here we go!
1. Appeal to your four-year-old’s sense of superiority when you want him to do stuff. Try saying, “Hey! I bet you can’t even pick up TWO of your toys!” He’ll say something like, “I CAN TOO pick up two. I can EVEN pick up TWENTY!” and then you say, “I bet you so can NOT.” And he’s all “CAN TOO WATCH ME” and then your house is clean.
2. The number of changes of clothes your toddler goes through in a day has a direct and positive relationship to the amount of fun she is having. An intermediate step here would be mess made. If you are doing lots of laundry, your child is happy. Unless the laundry is due to vomit and/or poop.
3. Don’t bluff with anything you can’t follow through on. If you tell your kids, “Do as you’re told or we’re not going to Lollipops today,” just remember that if they don’t go to Lollipops, you have to entertain them instead. BE WARNED.
4. Teach your children to sing Johnny Cash songs from an early age. This is great at parties and random moments in funerals and such. Just make sure they don’t sing, “I’m going down, down, down, in a burning ring of fire…”
5. If you have a child who sucks their thumb, let them get addicted to a pacifier instead. It’s easier to throw away a pacifier when they get too big than it is to cut off their thumb.
6. Don’t let your four-year-old peel the carrots, unless you want a massive pile of peelings and a spindly sliver of carrot left for eating. We call them julienned carrots and eat the peelings anyway. (Not really!)
7. Have two children. The younger will always want to do what the older does. Just make sure you’ve taught the older child how to behave like a human being beforehand, or you’re just making extra trouble for yourself. When your two-year-old wants to mow the lawn, you’re on the right track.
8. Let them hurt themselves! If you want your child to be willing to take risks in life, let them start now. Don’t wrap them in cotton wool. (Obviously letting them play on the freeway wouldn’t be okay.)
9. Pretend you actually have eyes in the back of your head. This requires you to know exactly what they’re doing every second of the day, but once they’re talking, preschoolers will perform a running commentary of their entire lives, from the second they wake up to the moment they shut their eyes at night. You will get to hear about their breathing, their thoughts, their hopes, dreams, feelings, and all of it is trivial and neverending and you may well switch off after a while but keep an ear out for the important parts. Every now and then your child might slip in an “I love you, Mum,” and you’ll get all teary-eyed.
10. Laugh with them, laugh at them, let them laugh at you. Act like an idiot regardless of who else is watching. Sing loudly in the supermarket and race them up the aisles. Roll down hills with them, perform backbreaking cartwheels (actually I don’t recommend this one) for their entertainment. Tell them dumb jokes that they don’t even get. Laugh at their jokes that aren’t even funny, because they are so proud that they made a joke up just like grownups always do.
